Cada dia, cada vez...

Yesterday after leaving my suegra's house I told Javier I wasn't ready to go home and I asked him if it was ok if we just drove around a while uptown. He said that was fine with him and I was so glad because I just had an uneasy feeling about coming home. For us home is not home anymore because thanks to yours truly is it a complete mess and we only have the internet and the two babies to entertain us. Maybe we have been a bit spoiled by MTV and just cable in general but that is what we are use to. I had started to feel a bit depressed by my life as well. I just feel like I let a lot of opportunities pass me by when I was single with no kids and now I have no place to go in life which is fine because it doesn't seem as if I am going anywhere. I watched that movie the Good Girl with Jennifer Anniston and I can totally relate to her situation. (She basically ends up cheating on her husband because she is bored with her life) I am not saying I condone cheating but there is that need to feel beautiful and wanted by someone. Your husband is suppose to fulfill that need but in the hectic day to day activities it can sometimes be neglected. I am sure that Javier doesn't get to see me as beautiful because my hair always looks the same, my clothes, I never really get to make myself beautiful for him and I sometimes look in the mirror and hate the person I have become. My dad told me the other day that I look good and I really was taken back by that comment but at the same time it made me feel like a woman instead of this thing that has no purpose and has no abilities. Javier wonders why I am so jealous of his female friends well he sees something in them that interests him and knowing him there is most likely something that attracts him to these women and yes I mean in a sexual way. Come on he is only human. Anyway, what I am getting at is I at one time interested him, I was his friend, I was special. Now I have become his wife and I feel at times that I have been demoted to the bench. The mystery isnt there anymore. He knows just about everything about me. He has me now. The game is over. The question is what do I do now? How do I live my life? I am so tired of fear, anxiety, pain. I am so tired of crying all the time.

Okay so a lot has happened since I wrote in this thing. First of all I had my daughter on Feb. 21, 2004. Her name is Larissa and she is the cutest little thing. I went on a job interview today it is only part-time but I need the funds so bad. I am tired of my car payment being an issue every month. I just want to pay it and not have to think about it all the time. We also need cable REAL bad. It is digusting how we have to watch the same VHS tapes everyday. I want to start keeping up my hair and just my looks in general. I am afraid I am turning into an old wifie before our one year anniversary. I had this whole list of goals or new years resolutions that have pretty much been thrown out completely. I so much want to lose 20 more lbs. I hate having thunder thighs and this little belly. We went to the mall and there were Sooooooo many cool clothes on sale it was ridiculous. I want some new clothes so bad but I am not at the size I want to be to buy anything new. I will probably buy some new shirts so that way I can wear them even after I lose weight. I want to make new friends too. I don't really have anyone I can call a friend right now. Javier has friends but they are his friends and I don't particularly like any of them. They all have qualities that are ppretty annoying and he has a high tolerance for annoying behavior and just what constitutes being an asshole in general. Anyway, things are going to be different for me this year because I don't want to keep going in the same bad direction. I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself.