Cada dia, cada vez...

Okay so I am back at this blog stuff again lets see it has been a long time since I talked about what is going on with me. The first thing I think about when I think about what is going in with me is my daughters. Fabi is now 3 and Larissa will be 2 in Feb. I finally did find a job working for a healthcare company that totally sucked. I can say it was probably the worst job I ever had. They let me go or fired me whichever sounds better after 6 months. To tell you the truth I hated that job so much that I honestly was relieved in a way. I used to drag myself up the stairs everyday to punch in my timesheet and I would be dreading it. My supervisor was a bitch and she didn't like to have to do her job that is answer any questions she just wanted to sit at her desk and look at her computer screen.

The whole losing my job thing happened almost a year ago and I still haven't found anything. I have been staying home with the girls and let me tell you it is a job that gets no respect. Javier told me that I need to consider staying at home my full time job until I get one and I was like I already do. The only thing is, it is a full time job that never ends. When he has done his eight hours I am still on the clock. It is a continuous job that goes on and on from day to day. I really don't mind it because I am taking care of the girls and making sure things are done around the house. Its just that it can become tiring because you reallly just don't get a break. Now just as I stated in my previous posts I am no Mrs.Cleaver. I am trying to keep up the house better but it is daily struggle especially with the two tornadoes that we have destroying the house.

In previous posts I mentioned my friend Alfredo but I haven't talked to him in a long time. I think I lost his number or it is mixed in with all my other paperwork. He was really cool to talk to because he had been married before and understood what it was all about. I wish I had not lost contact with him. I talked to Gray the other night and he is hilarious as ever he has been married for I think 10 years now so he can give me some good advice too from time to time.

I am desperately seeking friends that I make on my own. I don't want to just have friends with Javier or be close with his close girlfriends. Been there done that don't want to do it again. I don't like making friends who already have an inside scoop on my life so to speak or have already had the opportunity to form an opinion about me. I like to be able to be private about some issues and it takes a lot for me to gain someone's trust enough to really let down my guard. Oh well I am going now because it is getting late and Fabi woke up about 45 min ago and she is not going to bed anytime soon.

Deeper in debt and a sucky living room set

My hubby has a friend who sold us his living room set that is something he made himself. If you ask me how it looks...just like something he made himself. I don't know but a living room set to me is suppose to be cushiony and soft and comfortable and your feet touch the ground when you sit down you know basic stuff like that. This looks like a bunk bed/ chair that was made for a very tall basketball player. I don't like it. Javier likes it. I got rid of the couch we had with a tear here and there and stain to take over something that is not even comfortable. If I could I would take it back to the guy. We haven't even paid him yet he is selling it for 180 dollars and we are broke so he is giving it to us with a payment plan in mind. For once I wanted to let Javier make a decision without saying no or being negative all the time and unfortunately I wish I has said something. I have made some really bad decisions for us in the past like the apartments we currently live in so I wanted Javier to get the furniture if he wanted it( I had never seen it so i didn't know any better) Oh well what can I do now nothing....just try to dream of new nice furniture.(Anybody need wood for their fireplace this winter let me know.)
Hubby was mad at me again. This is what happened. I went to wendys with my little sister and she is of course acting guetto which now unfortunately I can't expect her to act any other way. Any way I was heading to my dad's house and this car with loud music pulls up which I hate. I keep looking forward because I don't like that but my sister is making goo goo eyes and sticking her tongue out at the driver...I look over to see if the person is even paying attention and I notice shawn my ex boyfriend from 7th grade is in the passenger seat. I say Hey Shawn! He looks at me and then he starts to ask what I have been doing etc. He asks me who I live with I told him my husband.(During this time Shayla is trying to hook up with his friend.
After a couple of minutes the light changes and we are off in different directions and I probably won't see him for another 4 years or so. Unfortunately I had to tell javier about seeing him and he gets pissed because I spoke first. I should have just ignored the first real boyfriend I had. I mean come on we are both dif people now. Later on when we hooked up as adults he didn't treat me so great he was going through shit and I was just a way for him to get his mind off of what was happening in his life. Javier should not feel threatened by him its not like we hang out together or talk on the phone. He knows where both my mom and dad lives and if he gave half a damn about me or messing around he would have tried catching me there already.(THE GUY AIN'T INTERESTED) Any way like I said, Javier got real pissed and he said he wasn't angry yesterday but then he got pissed again. Why it bothers him I don't know. He knows if he ran into an exgirlfriend he would speak to her unless he hated her it is just normal. Then he trys to compare my sister being there with me to the double date he had with Marin less than a year ago which some bitch he met on the net and her slutty side kick...give me a break
Today Hubby had an interview I hope it goes well for him. He has been trying to find something new for a while. Unfortunately I am still looking for a job. Anyway that is all for now.

It is friday nite again and I am home with larissa. Hubby was nice enough to take fabi with him so I only have to deal with one baby.Things are better between us. A couple weeks ago things were on shaky ground but I think that we are both on the right track now. We had a talk about honesty and trust. At this point though I don't believe I am going to worry too much about the things that he does not tell me because there is absolutely nothing I can do about them. Maybe in marriage there are some things that you just don't tell the other person, not because you don't love that person but because you do and it is just better that way. I met a new friend named alfredo on the chatline. He seems like an ok guy, he has been married twice and knows that I am married as well. He wants to meet but I am not sure about that yet. I would like to but I want to be cautious. It does feel good to have someone think that I am interesting enough to be included in their little"group". I have to really get over feeling like I am always walking in someone elses' shadow. Javier is not really for it although he has met someone from the computer before. Meeting the person isn't the problem but lying about it or doing inappropriate things are. That's why I want to tell him about what is going on with me even if I am not sure how he will feel about it . He knows about it and i want him to come with me to tell me what he thinks. Alfredo also teaches salsa and since javi and I both wanted to learn it is really great how that opportunity kind of fell in our laps so to speak. One good thing that has happened in the past couple of weeks is that i met javi's friend ryan and his wife jessica. FINALLY QUALITY PEOPLE TO HANG WITH!! we will be double dating with them in the future I am sure. Ryan's wife is 21 but if I can hang out with women in their 40s I can hang with someone just out of her teens...lol Anyway hubby and I are going to try to start spending more quality time together without the kids and putting the romance and friendship that we use to have back into our marriage. I am going to try to hang out with him and his friends more even though I have to work on my jealousy issues and Javi knows what I am talking about, or rather "who" Anyway that it all for now.

Je ne suis pas tres content maintenant. And that is all I have to say today.

The sun is shining, there's plenty of light. A new day is dawning, sunny and bright.....you go Luther. I just wanted to slip that in there...lol It is a nice day out today. I won't be able to enjoy it yet because I have some things to do around the house. I got a call from someone yesterday who saw my resume on monster.com. I called him back but I will have to see what happens. I am extremely happy to get a call. Especially when things are not looking so "in the bag" with officeteam. I hate temp agencies they are at times a big waste of time. I am a pretty good mood I guess...I was extremely depressed yesterday. I really felt like making a vertical line on my wrists...lol but I am all better now. Anyway I have to go and make like a good little wifie now so I will have to end it here.

Today is my mom and stepdad's anniversary. I believe they have been married for 12 years. Congrats to them!! I don't know what I am going to do today. The house looks a mess of course so Javier and I are SUPPOSE to clean together today but we will see what happens with that. I feel somewhat better about the job search because it looks as if I may have a chance with a couple of positions I am interested in. It looks like I will be working full instead of part-time. I will miss my girls of course and being with them during the day but the reality is I can help them more by working and buying the things that they need. I am no Mrs. Cleaver. I try but I just can't seem to grasp the domestic process. Everything is going to be quite a challenge at first but I have no choice but to push forward. There is so much I want and need to do with my life and it seems as if now I am at a stand still because just about everything takes money. I am feeling more positive though and that is a really good thing right now.

I am sitting here looking at the computer and there is so much I want to get off my chest. Javi is in a wierd mood, not saying much and when he does he sounds like he is pissed at me or something. I am just not up for a confrontation right now. I know one problem is it is friday nite and that is his nite to go out. He decided on his own not to and now I feel like shit because I know that he would rather be at wild wing or the grad with than here with me. He's been at work all day and he doesn't want to come home to babies crying yet another nite. I don 't work so I can't possibly understand how hard it is. I do understand though, because I have been with them all day so I definitely know how annoyed I would be if I went to work and came home to the SSDD(sameshitdifday) Javi works hard and I know he does a lot for us- I just don't like feeling guilty because I don't work -but that will change soon once I get at least a part -time gig. Life has got to get better than this right? It sucks going to the store and having to budget ourselves or not spend more than 12 dollars because we have to pay rent. I am up to my ass in debt. The first thing I am going to do when I start working is get myself out of debt. Payoff everything I owe. I am not even thinking about splurging on shopping for new clothes because there are so many more important things. I am only in my late twenties there is no reason for me to be in the same financial situation 10 years from now that I am in today.Oh well I guess that is all for now...both babies are sleep so I am going to sneak in a nap.